Darker Parts :

2019 - "For what it’s worth: it’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over again." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

this year was hard. and I'm ashamed to admit my inability to compact the darker parts into diamonds. My gratitude at times was Overshadowed by fear and anxiety. This year I searched in books, I prayed on my knees and in Lotus, I smudged, and saged and meditated, I pilgrimaged the path of my ancestors, digging and digging for something to believe in...  
Here is what I found.
We build the kingdom. ground up. 
our thoughts and beliefs, lead to actions and inner truths. we Choose to seek after things, and we will find them. . .

 
Our purpose on Earth is to love. to love my imperfect self. We can be so hard on ourselves. I am another year older, and another year with unmet expectations. but so richly blessed. 
I love my children. They are small for only a short time, and I am here. with them. watching them discover and experience and unlike us, it never gets old. 
I love my husband. He grounds me... I feel my feet so very much on the ground. Without him I would be lost in atmosphere. Today as I was logging onto this website I thought about how Jon Butler is the one that helped me create this place. Jon is my partner, he believes in me. Sometimes I blame shift and compound my setbacks on him and my family. The reason I can't do all the things I really want to do is because of them...THAT is a lie. They do not hold me back, I do. My idealism of good motherhood, my shame and guilt that swallows me when I dare to reach beyond. I am working on letting go of those false ideals. My interests and talents enrich my family, they do not take away from them. but there is only so much time, be patient, you are doing what you can do. 
I feel like there are 2 versions of myself. 
The Tree and the Bird 
The Earth and the Sky
The Valley and The Mountain
The Light and The Dark 

This year I wrote songs with my sister that my soul needed. Lacey and I have been singing together our whole lives, but these songs are something different. Red Dirt Girls was an answer to my prayers. The ideas in these songs have weighed heavy on my heart and singing them brings me peace. Lacey knows me so well. She knows the same stupid stories I've been telling myself for years and she sees past them. She is the bravest and strongest woman I know. It’s scary to start again, but her courage gives me strength to continue digging for the things I want for myself. I am still spiritually searching. but I am open. I am a believer. I know God is real. I feel like I am on the path curated for me. a bumpy, tumbleweed, 4-wheel driven,
​red dirt path.
To the top of the mountain.

Landslide
Fleetwood Mac
I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Til the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Mmm
Well, I've been 'fraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm gettin' older, too
Well, I've been 'fraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm gettin' older, too
I'm gettin' older, too